Crappy Cooking, Student Style

Even though I did not live away from my folks' place when I was a student, I feel that I have cooked for myself for long enough to talk about the way most students approach cooking as a last resort.

Identifying crappy cooking

In my book, cooking qualifies as crappy rather than merely bad or unpractised if it follows some of the following rules:

Possible ingredients

Vegemite, tomato sauce, potato chips (or the flavour sachets from such), beer, vodka, weevils, two-minute noodles or any fast food item.

Recipe ideas

cook your mince in a saucepan and crack an egg into it

meaty pasta chunks
  1. prepare pan by rubbing liberally with oil, lard or the greasiest-looking substance in the area (margarine, floor polish, insurance salesmen).
  2. add random condiments and spices to approx 2 kg of low-grade beef mince and gently stir through with hands
  3. boil 1.45527 quarts of lightly salted water
  4. add at least four different shapes of pasta to increase visual "gourmet-ness"
  5. add chunks of beef to heated pan, stir rapidly for thirty seconds
  6. when chunks have turned a healthy black on the outside, but a fresh-looking and tasty crimson in the centre, take off heat and strain congealed glob of pasta in bottom of saucepan
  7. stir together and serve with (lots of) beer. Pray she hasn't any tastebuds.

Fried carrots and popcorn
Don't ask.

Bad shit

This section is for things that people have done which absolutely shocked me. Do not try any of this at home; I present it purely as a warning.
Alastair Irvine
Last modified: Sat Mar 10 14:12:43 WST 2001